On Friday, February 28, 2020 Steve and I welcomed our second child into the world!
A grieving mother read my blog within the last year and later invited me to read what she writes to her daughter, Ava. Today, that friend in grief inspired me to join her in writing to the famed columnist, "Dear Abby" about her response to Crystal, a frustrated family member who doesn't understand why her … Continue reading Dear Abby
It has been One year since Oliver died and I delivered him, silent, into the world. I know that time, even 12 of the longest months of our lives, will never heal the wounds of grief and pain. It seems time's only gift of mercy is to help us learn to live in a world without … Continue reading 12 Months
I went to the dermatologist for a yearly appointment last week. I was acutely aware that one year prior I was sitting in their office many weeks pregnant at my first appointment. I had undressed and covered myself with the provided 'sheet' - really just a thin 3x3 foot piece of paper. 30 pounds heavier, … Continue reading I will make a note.
I couldn't get out of bed this morning. I woke when the sound of the organ playing from our neighbors home was unending. The house is an arms-length away and there are 24-hour aides and nurses that care for a mentally handicapped person living there. On Sundays, they play the organ for her. As a … Continue reading Heavily Gray
I hadn't heard of secondary loss until I read this article. I felt it and was experiencing it, but didn't know it had a name. Recently, I said out loud, "I'm just always disappointed. Constant disappointment is what my life is made up of now. It started with the death of Oliver and it hasn't … Continue reading What is secondary loss?
Eight months. I haven't written much since before Steve and I took a trip. A trip that was the best thing we could've done for ourselves. A trip that allowed us to laugh, smile, get lost, and be swallowed whole by our marriage - in a good way. Only one night did we dedicate to … Continue reading The things you’ve said.
Before Steve and I went on vacation in October I bought a documentary the day it was released. It's called, Don't Talk About The Baby. I bought it for $9.99 on Vimeo because I wanted to keep it forever and watch it whenever I wanted to. It can also be rented for 1.99 on Vimeo … Continue reading Don’t Talk About The Baby
Shortly after Oliver died I went online to read other women's stories, to educate myself on preeclampsia, late-term perinatal death, rates of stillborn deaths, to read blogs, websites, to seek organizations and walks to raise money...and I haven't stopped since. A quest to find answers and reading all things related to baby death to make myself … Continue reading Resources
My son lived for 257 days. That is, he was 9 months gestation when his heart suddenly stopped beating. I delivered him into the world and he was quiet. Silence in a moment of usual chaos. Even our tears we saved for later because, well, his skin was soft. And his hair was awry. His … Continue reading 100 words
October 6, 2018 - 12:31pm. 6 months. It’s been 6 long, incredibly fast months since I gave birth to our son, Oliver. It sounds like an eternity and feels like yesterday. I am not the person I was 6 months and one day ago. I’m not the person I was 5 years ago. I am … Continue reading Six months.
Today, I imagined the strangest, sweetest thing. First, I was remembering that my dear friend, Rebecca, was telling me, gingerly, that she had many, many baby items stored away in a corner of her basement and that even though she and her husband desperately wanted to clean out the clutter in their new home, some … Continue reading Poop, giggles, and showers.
Two months ago a woman from work asked me how I had been feeling. When I told her, "like shit", her discomfort was palpable. She quickly changed the subject to happier, brighter topics, "Well, I hope you and Steve try again! I'm really hoping you try again! Are you going to try again?!" I was … Continue reading Oliver’s sister or brother is off limits.
I have a variety of drafts that I've written and are just sitting in the queue. Never quite finished, a tangle of thoughts in run-on sentences. The one below I began writing at the end of June. I was in a dark, sad place for about two weeks. I couldn't get out. I remember Monday, … Continue reading Dear Oliver,
To The Perinatologist and Geneticist that consulted with us: Thank you. I imagine you hear more heart-warming stories than heart-wrenching. The truth is, I really have no idea - I think I may just be trying to be optimistic. Or, maybe its because sometimes I see myself as so alone that it feels like this … Continue reading Dear Doctor.